Thursday, January 3, 2013

PBP: A is for Ambivalent

Ambivalent is a delightful word, but not what many people assume. I like it's denotation. Definitionally:  simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion). Thank you Merriam-Webster.

Simultaneous. Contradictory.
Concurrent. Opposing.

As a person I am filled with ambivalence. I am rarely apathetic, but often appear to others that way because I am filled with such a mix of strong emotions. Getting excited meant being told to "calm down" or "there's no need to be upset" even if all I was doing was expressing interest. So, unless there is a strong emotion without a similarly strong opposition, I tend not to express myself overly much. There are too few words for adore/abhor, for petrified/pleasing, for desire/disgust... There is this notion that when you mix strong emotions, it is black + white = the banal flat grey. Instead, ambivalence is akin to mixing colored light. Red + Green = Yellow. A whole new color emerges. Magenta (Blue + Red) + Green = White. We always think of white as an absence of color, despite many of us knowing that really it is all the colors, formed by compliments and contrasts.

My path is one of opposition.

I am a person filled with ambivalence, so it is not shocking that ambivalence fills my spiritual practice as well. Strong contradicting emotions are an underlying theme in much of what I do. I am ambivalent towards much of Judaism, especially to the many things that leave any ancestor work out of the question. I am ambivalent even towards something as basic as meditation. I dread and welcome my dreams as well.

Every bed I slept in with regularity (in the years prior to my current bed) was warded against dreams. Not just warded to keep me from dreaming, but from all dreams. I daydreamed elsewhere. I drew up wards strong enough that a former lover could not spend the night in my bed because she would wake up unrested if she didn't dream. I warded good dreams and bad dreams, portents, contacts, and the ramblings of my own mind. I had to refresh them regularly, for they took quite a beating from my sleeping mind.

I warded against dreams because most of my dreams were nightmares, many related to my history of trauma and abuse. The little relief I had from nightmares were not actually better, as instead it became an escape from reality that made it incredibly difficult to function the following day. Knowing that without wards I had a 95% chance of not being able to handle it, I created quite possibly the strongest wards I have ever consciously set my mind to make. Repeatedly. (Especially as I moved quite often in those years.) Rather than attempting something beyond my capacities, I delayed dealing. It was a marathon to deal with, and attempting would not only leave me tired, sore and no where near the finish line, I was incredibly likely to injure myself in the process.

Since moving to this apartment, no wards against dreams have been erected. This bed, with two and a half years under me, is not a fortress against dreams. I relish each dream I receive, because with the years of warding they are infrequent. I remember them poorly, and understand them even less. I relish each one, even while I dread the dreams that leave me broken.

For me, not even love of Those Who I Work With is unopposed by another contradicting emotion. Nor do I think it should be (at least, for my current relationships with Them.) My gnosis and belief is filled with skepticism. I mix lights to bring out the shape of things, to bring out their shadows.

I need a word for adore/abhor. For disgusted desire. We know these states, but so rarely do single words describe the ambivalence. So, I seek words that describe them, the simple word to capture the rainbow in white and the contrasting shadow.

Decided to do PBP2013 with the following attitude in mind: Posts will happen when the time coincides with something that makes sense for me to post publicly. Just figured I'd mention in case anyone is going through this blog as a whole/not just from the Pagan Blog Project.

2 comments:

  1. Your description of ambivalence creating a new color versus gray really struck a chord with me; it is a beautiful explanation and idea. I also grew up being told to calm down because I am a very emotional person and expressed it openly.

    I also am afraid of dreaming and spend a lot of time both wanting dreams, and not wanting them, and am plagued with sleeping issues. So I am very glad to read you are heading in such a better direction regarding that.

    So, yes. Wonderful post. <3

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  2. Paradox is a good word for things like this too. I am glad you are more comfortable with dreaming now.

    IMO a healthy skepticism keeps a mind sharp.

    I did visit here by way of the PBP and hope to return again to read your writing.

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