Friday, March 14, 2014

Sometimes It's Better Not To Ask

I am one of those people who almost always wants to know. My romantic partners have to be ridiculously open with me, due to a combination of being way too smart, knowing them incredibly well, and epic trust issues. I want to learn, to engage... even when the answer is shit. I'd much rather hear that a partner has HPV and is now a much higher cancer risk. I'd much rather be told I'm on the chopping block to get laid off in the next month. I was the little kid who always asked why and the adult whose career is about knowing how to research anything.

I have not been asking a lot of things recently. This past weekend I specifically avoided asking someone who could actually have given me a clear answer about whether I was a psychic vampire. I have been avoiding asking my Runes most of the serious questions I'm trying to figure out.

I've been avoiding asking, because I'm not ready to get told the answer.

It is only partially about not knowing, but it's much more about recognizing that knowing may lead to needing to really DO something and a lot of things I am far from ready to take action on. I've checked in on some important things, like "Is this random urge to run away just springtime escapist fantasy or is it from Someone?" But the fact is I'm not ready to take on a massive change.

There is a massive change heading my way, I know that. And I also know that I probably won't be ready for it once it arrives. But there is a HUGE difference between recognizing Something Big is on my horizon and inviting More Giant Things right into my life. I'm not signing a contract, I'm not delving into anything. I'm trying to get my shit under control, trying to get each day/week/month to the point of rightly respecting the Spirits and Gods in my life. I've got too much on my plate as it is. I'm an ADHD-kid who never quite grew up and so daily practice is pretty much the biggest challenge. And I'm facing it, slowly, and not very well, but I'm facing it.

So, now isn't the time to go around with a bowl saying, "Please Sir, can I have some more?" Nope. Not read for it. When Someone decides I've sat still too long and dumps something on my lap, that's one thing. When I really do think I need a kick in the pants, I ask for one. Okay, more like I hang a spiritual target on my ass and a sign on my back saying "Kick Me!" because I never was one for subtly. I'm not ready to offer hardly anything. I'm not ready to agree, to covenant, beyond my present obligations... because I need to do better on those first.

I don't ask because I'm not ready to deal with the consequences.

I don't ask because sometimes knowing IS agreeing. Knowing means I have to take action. For now I'm trying to learn. Trying to get good practices under my belt for when said Major Shit hits the fan. Working on my signal clarity, working on divination skills, my mediation skills... yeah a lot of skills. I'm not ready to know, not ready to ask, because I am still on basic algebra. Multivariable Calculus is still beyond me.

With the right teacher, concentrated effort, and the time, I can get to that higher level really fast. But I know better than to dive in right now.