Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Just Do It (Pagan Blog Project)

Perseverance. Endurance. Dedication. Persistence. Diligence.

Basically, Dory had it right. I have to Just Keep Swimming (okay, I'm ignoring my utter dislike for actual swimming and/or being submerged in water because Dory is wonderful.) Motivation is not, and probably never will be, my strong suit. Nor is/will be joy. But I need to push through regardless.

Just do it. Like this blog entry for the PBP. Almost a week late, but hey, I'm doing it. And in my world that really matters. As does pretty much everything I do with my spirituality... both that my spirituality matters and also that it gets done. Just, that I do it. Even if it is late. A day, week, gods even a year late, it still gets done. Timing is not my virtue, but eventually I will get to it. Getting it done matters. Sometimes I have to do shit that I really don't want to do. Like stay up the extra half hour for an offering and meditation because I made the commitment. Like call someone who despises me because they are family and diagnosed with cancer.

There are days when getting out of bed to shower is a massive achievement, and leaving my apartment is unthinkable. If I'm lucky, I have enough food around the place to feed myself on these days. There are days when I'm on top of the world, starting my morning with push ups, running around all day, working, socializing, and no one has any clue what's going on. It varies that much. So, pushing through and "just doing it" even when I don't want to, have no interest in it, and would possibly rather fall out of existence than do it is a skill that is very important in my life. Not excelling at it, but it is there and I'm working on it.

It isn't glamorous and revelatory. Progress doesn't show up particularly quickly. Actually, it can be incredibly boring, which for an inattentive ADD creature like myself can be doom. But just getting it done, even if the intent is less than it could or should be, is still very important. There can be lessons learn through endurance. Maybe just that you can in fact make it through. Maybe you'll discover that this dreary task that was under the category of "just do it" because you were dreading the boredom turns out to be engaging and fulfilling. Maybe it doesn't, maybe you drag your feet and someone else is disappointed that you gave less than your best. Know what? Disappointment for less than one's best is still better than the anger and disappointment that comes from not having finished it at all. And when it is spirits and/or deities expressing that displeasure at having not even tried, well life will quickly get very unpleasant.

Even beyond the unpleasantness externally induced by spirits, deities and other beings, there is a lot of harm in not doing. There is shame, there is guilt, but more than that there is a profound absence of anything worthwhile.

So, maybe this entry is short, but it exists. So, maybe I know I've done less meditation than I should, but I haven't given up. So, maybe I need more diligence and patience, but I keep pushing myself through failure anyway.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

J is for Jasmine (Pagan Blog Project)

Jasmine is a really awesome plant. Basic knowledge about it: it can be a shrub or a vine, it's related to olives, and could be deciduous or evergreen. Feel free to go look at the wikipedia article on it. Beyond being pretty, it also makes a wonderful tea/tisane and a great (if expensive) oil.
Picture of jasmine flowers from http://allamazingfacts.com/Jasmine-Flower/334.php

Tea/Tisane: This is where I have the most experience. I love jasmine tea. I think it tastes and smells wonderful. Additionally, it is really relaxing and has some sedative properties. Specifically, jasmine slows down your heart rate, though it also can act in stimulating manners so figure out its effect on yourself before drinking it at night. Additionally, it may have mood elevating properties and help with depression, specifically when you're dealing with apathy. As someone with a long history of anxiety and depression, this all makes jasmine tea really awesome, especially when I can find it as a tisane (aka- herbal tea) so I avoid the caffeine that keeps me up all night as jasmine itself doesn't keep me awake.

Oil: Jasmine oil is incredibly expensive because it takes a metric crapton of flowers to infuse a powerful enough oil; however it has a lot of the properties of the tea but stronger. It's a noted mood elevator, reducing apathy and helping induce a calm and vigorous state. It's also really good for dry and sensitive skin, especially if you have reactions to a lot of skin products.

Jasmine is also a supposed aphrodisiac, so perhaps if you're looking for less common flower to give to a (potential) partner this would be right up your alley.

Regardless, jasmine is often overlooked in favor of herbs that are less on the pretty and more about the strength, such as ginger or mint. Admittedly, I am not attempting jasmine as one of my first plant allies, but that is because I have no place to grow it as opposed to overlooking it. She is a spirit I would like to meet though, once I am able to develop a relationship with a specific plant.

Fun fact about myself: I'm really good at growing things. Right now it's incredibly hard to grow anything in my life, as I life in the middle of concrete and asphalt without even a small pile of dirt at the top of my driveway. So, I grow small things indoors, but haven't attempted Jasmine due to really terrible allergies. I'd love it, but any additional pollen in my life will destroy my already low levels of springtime functionality. Sadly, this means no jasmine plants for me until the day when I can have a garden, if said garden is in a climate that would support jasmine.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Someone's Unholy Abomination

I'm someone's unholy abomination.

No, that's not true. I'm plenty of people's unholy abomination. I'm trans, meaning though I was female assigned at birth (FAAB,) I do not identify as a girl/women. I'm in fact, non-binary trans, in that I don't identify as a guy either. I've physiologically altered my body because I'm trans, shoving a needle in my ass every week to inject testosterone into my system. I'm queer, meaning that I sleep with and date people all over the gender map, and pretty much no matter who I sleep with there is some way it would be construed as homosexual sex. I'm poly, in that I date, love, and hookup with multiple people at a time in an open and honest manner. I'm kinky in that I like to hurt people, be hurt, as well as many other things (and if you think kinkiness isn't considered an abomination to some, just think about many people's reactions to the thought of slapping a partner around until they bruise.) I work/drive on the Sabbath, anyone's Sabbath in fact.

And that isn't even to mention my non-acceptance of monotheistic perspectives in my own life, let alone the lack of subservience to them.

I'm my brother's abomination. He's a very strict Jew (Chabad for those with a background in Judaism) and the fact that I transitioned, that I sleep with people, that I have and will continue to get tattoos, and that I don't keep kosher are huge deals to him. He pretty much can only handle interacting with me by internally convincing himself that I've got an inner Jew that actually does want to do mitzvot. There is a lot of not talking about religious issues when we spend time together, because both of us highly value family.

I'm my mother's abomination. I'm an abomination to her very ingrained feminist beliefs. She raised her daughter to grow up to be anything, and I grew up wanting to not be the daughter bit. Actually, she's generally great about gender stuff, but the idea that I want to get top surgery (removal of breast tissue and reconstruct my chest to look more as if estrogen never really got at me) is truly difficult for her. In her view, it's a radical mastectomy, it's body mutilation. When this comes up, she freely admits it's her bullshit and not mine, that she supports me regardless of her gut reaction. But regardless, I am still her abomination.

There are atheists who would find my strong belief in the gods abominable, even if they would vehemently deny the "unholy" aspect.

I don't believe in unconditional love from my Deities, from the Universe. Much like I don't believe in an omnipotent, omnipresent, (or similar omni traits) God, I don't believe in omnibenevolence. But I don't believe that simply because I'm queer, trans, simply because I had fish this morning or milk in my coffee that I'm unloved. I believe in disappointment, in apathy, and I do believe that some deities have things they hold as abominations, but the one's I worship and follow don't hold me as one such abomination.

Maybe I simply follow the darker gods, maybe I simply follow the Goddesses and Gods of Abominations... but that doesn't make me an unholy one.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Intent (Pagan Blog Project)

Intent is something I hear a lot in religious, philosophical and magical discussions. Philosophical debates on whether or not intent matters in ethical situations are fascinating, but sadly beside the point at the moment. The fact is that various religions disagree on how much intent matters, from not at all to it's the most important part. Magical acts are often boiled down to nothing but intent.

We treat intention at it's extremes. Intent doesn't matter at all comes into play when attempting to understand the old religions many of us are reconstructing. One of the biggest things people did was make offerings, regardless of intent or belief. It didn't matter if you believed in the Deities who you were making offerings to, it didn't matter if you were They're followers, you did it because that is how people stayed safe and avoided Divine Displeasure. There are a lot of things that are done in religions regardless of the intent, especially in Judaism (although everything that can be said about Judaism is somewhere both supported and contradicted by rabbinical authority.) My brother tries to convince me to do Jewish things, even though my beliefs lay elsewhere, because it doesn't matter if I don't believe them, it is the act that matters. Belief will follow. But for me, that kind of act is a lie.

There is a lot of New Age thought around intent. The idea that when you put out intentions they come back to you. Now, there is some underlying truth to this thought. When doing magic, yes, intent definitely matters. If I'm not actually intending for a spell to work, odds are it isn't going to. By the same token, if the intent is there, but the rest of the components are not, there is a good chance the spell won't work. Trying to use Jupiter to help gain wealth works, but if you accidentally used the symbol for Saturn you'll probably find the intention won't overcome the inlaid spiritual paths of the universe. Even just dealing with intention magic, sometimes your intent isn't welcome.

It is really common in magical, energetic, and New Age communities to send energies of various kinds to people without their permission. There's this notion that with good intent, that magic can do no harm. Others have written wonderfully about this so I'm going to leave it short. Intent is not all that matters. Maybe your intent is to help someone with their pain, but they are meant to feel that pain to actually learn from it. Maybe your energy just isn't good for them. The fact is, intentions are not everything.

We think of intent as black or white. Either intent is everything, or it is nothing.

The world isn't black and white, it isn't even shades of gray. We have a wide range of colors and tones, so why are we limiting our understanding of intent to it's extremes?

Intention is a major factor and is a great guiding force. It is the compass and the map, but we will still get lost sometimes anyways. And know what? That's okay, not just okay but wonderful. And if you step on someone's toes, or trespass their boundaries, being able to hold up said map and compass and genuinely apologize, and ask for directions, it goes a long ways. Be it a spirit who you accidentally offended with an offering, or hugging a friend when they did not want to be touched, talking and communicating about intent really helps. You learn that when said friend gets upset, you two take a walk and decidedly do not touch. You learn that said spirit wants your ale, your whiskey, but by the gods do not give it flowers. Most of the time, these relationships are repairable once you explain intent and communicate about how you have fucked up. Or maybe how they have fucked up.

On the other hand, intention can also lead to irreparable harm. "The road to hell is paved with good intentions," being the most obvious example in common parlance. (If it was the road to Hel/Helheim instead, honestly, I wouldn't mind it particularly much.) You can trespass on territory that gets you seriously injured, or maybe someone else. There is only so far intention can go for feeding someone peanuts with a peanut allergy. Doing the research helps cut down on that. Getting smacked upside the head physically, psychically, metaphorically, etc. can really help as well. On the other hand, being on the receiving end of the comic wake up call to get your shit together probably won't be a pleasant experience.

We all fuck up. Intention doesn't make things better, but it makes them comprehensible and enables all of us to move the fuck on.