Weirdly Out of Options

It's interesting how something that is a serious problem and a massive inconvenience can also benefit my life.

For lack of anything better to do, I've been "forced" to meditate, ground and center every single night the last few nights before I go to bed. I know I should do this anyways. It's really helpful, I fall asleep faster, and sleep better when I do all three shortly before bed. As someone with serious sleeping problems (it's been called disordered before), anything that helps is a boon. Yet, for some reason, these three things are massively difficult to force myself into. And it is forcing. Sometimes violently forcing myself to do things.

It's partly a matter of focus. Getting myself to sit down and just do it can be almost an insurmountable task. There's an extent to which if you don't have ADD/ADHD, you don't get it. You don't get how massively painful it is to force oneself to do something that you can't seem to focus on. It isn't even a question of wanting. There are things I genuinely enjoy, but can hardly bring myself to do because the forcing, it hurts. Literally hurts. If my hyper focus decides that it won't chose a certain activity, then that activity is not on the list of things I can easily do.

It isn't about my mind not being able to calm down. It isn't even just fidgeting too much. It's getting up and doing the most random shit before I even realize "Oh yeah, I was going to ground and center." It's being halfway through getting out the eggs before I realize I was going to meditate, not cook. It's jittery, excitability, movement and racing thoughts, even when I'm so tired I can barely move.

Except right now I have nothing else to do.

No cooking, no logging onto my computer, no texting or calling, nothing. I can't even read or write after about 11 at the moment. Well, not without extreme visual difficulty.

There isn't anything else to get up and do so eventually, I'm able to force myself to meditate. Eventually, I ground and center. And then I meditate some more. Because I finally have the focus, the time, and the space for it. So, I do my offerings, and I take my time. I find ways to stay up and fuck up my sleep still, yet...

This way the meditations are done. I am grounded and centered. And despite the anxiety inducing disaster that has forced this weird time upon me, despite the literal anxiety attack consuming my evening, I am doing better because of it.

Maybe when things work out (and I get a new place to live), I can continue with my meditating. Maybe then it won't take as much forcing, because of this time when there isn't anything else. Sometimes, being out of options is the best option.

C is for Clue x 4

From Wikipedia.

Sometimes, things are a subtle as a 2x4 to the head. I call such "subtleties" clue by fours. Or clue x 4. You get the idea...

I'm not always the most observant person. It has taken some former partners of mine literally straddling my lap and kissing me before I realized that they might be interested back. As I said, as subtle as a 2x4 to the head. But what does this have to do with paganism, witchcraft, or other such woo?

Many of us are a little bit dense when it comes to our practices. Sometimes it takes getting beat over the head with a clue x 4 more than once for us to wake up and listen. Or, in my case, the ceiling literally falling in, because that's how much subtly is in my life.

A while ago I had one of my worst depressive episodes, shit got real bad. And that was when I started to really pick back up my practice. My college had not been religion-friendly, and I hadn't changed my non-practicing habits immediately after. So, when the shit hit the fan (unemployed, depressed, single) I had the time to sit down and begin again. I picked up my tarot deck and sat down to see what it had to say.

In the first few weeks after picking it up? I learned every way possible for my Tarot de Marseille deck to tell me I was depressed. I ask about anything, and it's reply was "you're depressed." Not advice on something to do, not telling me it was going to get better or worse, just every way possible of smacking reality in my face. Apparently, since I was finally learning to read from more than just the little white book, my deck decided to make it very easy for me to understand what it was saying. Anytime those cards pop up? I know what they mean. I know the variations on the theme, upright, reversed, sideways, blocked, blocking, I know those cards. And though I finally got it on another subject, my deck chooses to continue with the smackings of my head. When I branched out into another deck, it shared the head-smacking qualities.

I warn people when I read for them that I will seem to state the obvious. That my readings will not be what they want to hear, and that even when I have absolutely no clue what the shit I am saying to them means, they will have no doubt as to the meaning of my words.

My divination methods seem to think I'm a thick-headed child. Who is they must speak to slowly, in small words, and quite possibly at the top of their lungs.

Except the Runes. I've finally begun reading with them, and it still a clue x4, but instead of a simple 2x4, it's an elaborately carved 2x4 with beautiful and detailed drawings smacking my head repeatedly.

Maybe some people can pick up on the little things. A song or two, something overheard from conversations, etc. My ADHD brain doesn't pick up on them in any permanent way. It floats right on by, and even if I notice it's quickly lost to the next passing squirrel.

It isn't that the little things don't matter. The conversation after a class at a completely unrelated event, the squall line across a lake, a moment spent cuddling with the dog... They matter, personally and spiritually, even religiously. But the meaning is that which I have inscribed. Those moments are moments of faith and appreciation. They aren't unexamined, things to ponder, messages I need to understand, or lessons to learn.

So, Universe... what are you smacking me upside the head with tonight?

Just Do It (Pagan Blog Project)

Perseverance. Endurance. Dedication. Persistence. Diligence.

Basically, Dory had it right. I have to Just Keep Swimming (okay, I'm ignoring my utter dislike for actual swimming and/or being submerged in water because Dory is wonderful.) Motivation is not, and probably never will be, my strong suit. Nor is/will be joy. But I need to push through regardless.

Just do it. Like this blog entry for the PBP. Almost a week late, but hey, I'm doing it. And in my world that really matters. As does pretty much everything I do with my spirituality... both that my spirituality matters and also that it gets done. Just, that I do it. Even if it is late. A day, week, gods even a year late, it still gets done. Timing is not my virtue, but eventually I will get to it. Getting it done matters. Sometimes I have to do shit that I really don't want to do. Like stay up the extra half hour for an offering and meditation because I made the commitment. Like call someone who despises me because they are family and diagnosed with cancer.

There are days when getting out of bed to shower is a massive achievement, and leaving my apartment is unthinkable. If I'm lucky, I have enough food around the place to feed myself on these days. There are days when I'm on top of the world, starting my morning with push ups, running around all day, working, socializing, and no one has any clue what's going on. It varies that much. So, pushing through and "just doing it" even when I don't want to, have no interest in it, and would possibly rather fall out of existence than do it is a skill that is very important in my life. Not excelling at it, but it is there and I'm working on it.

It isn't glamorous and revelatory. Progress doesn't show up particularly quickly. Actually, it can be incredibly boring, which for an inattentive ADD creature like myself can be doom. But just getting it done, even if the intent is less than it could or should be, is still very important. There can be lessons learn through endurance. Maybe just that you can in fact make it through. Maybe you'll discover that this dreary task that was under the category of "just do it" because you were dreading the boredom turns out to be engaging and fulfilling. Maybe it doesn't, maybe you drag your feet and someone else is disappointed that you gave less than your best. Know what? Disappointment for less than one's best is still better than the anger and disappointment that comes from not having finished it at all. And when it is spirits and/or deities expressing that displeasure at having not even tried, well life will quickly get very unpleasant.

Even beyond the unpleasantness externally induced by spirits, deities and other beings, there is a lot of harm in not doing. There is shame, there is guilt, but more than that there is a profound absence of anything worthwhile.

So, maybe this entry is short, but it exists. So, maybe I know I've done less meditation than I should, but I haven't given up. So, maybe I need more diligence and patience, but I keep pushing myself through failure anyway.

H is for Hyperactive

So many moments of stillness, of the calm breath before the storm. Pagans and magickal practices spend a lot of time on using stillness and focus. Meditation is something I've seen emphasized in one form or another repeatedly across disciplines and paths. It's frequently treated as the basis for spirituality and magickal practice. It is the beginning, and frequently the middle and destination as well. Stillness isn't cutting it for me.

As an adult with ADHD, stillness is not my ally.

Also, for me, hyperactivity is inextricably linked with attention (though not the other way around,) but hyperactivity is an issue in and of itself. I'm a fidgeter, even been called twitchy. The more I've studied meditation the more it's obvious: I need movement. I need to walk, flow, drum, or run. I walk and do Katas. I've studied some Tai Chi. I try to do these things, but continuing along such paths often proves costly, when really I'm just needing those tools to aid my focus, to release distraction.

Some might point out that my hyperactivity shows that I simply need more practice at meditative forms. And there is a truth in that. I do need more practice of stillness, of pushing through headlong, of challenging myself to this because it is a weak point and it would help me be more functional at a level most people take for granted. Long term, that is very true. Specifically, mindfulness is actually known to be something that really helps with ADHD. But more generally, meditation is about cutting through the distractions. Pretty much every basic meditative introduction talks about recognizing your distraction and letting it go, even if you spend the whole time simply recognizing one distraction after another, eventually one moves beyond that step. Yes, that would be very constructive in my life as well as my spiritual and magickal practices.

It doesn't help me get into the proper mindset for offerings or rituals in the here and now. Sure, making a journey across the water, taking a hike to a cave, and then doing a ritual would automatically get me into such a mindset. Not a daily option. My small alter in the corner of my tiny apartment isn't some grand temple. My neighborhood is concrete and streetlights. I don't even have a back yard. Mediation is all the more important to me then, because I can't rely on spacial cues anywhere near as much to help get me to where I need to be for devotions, work, and craft.

I could walk a labyrinth, except there isn't a public one nearby that would make that an option. Some day, I hope to be able to have one I could actually walk regularly. I could run, but my knees are terrible from old injuries and that would cause more problems than it would fix.

But there is a truth in running, in working like that. I'm a former competitive athlete, and the most successful meditative moments I've had were when being that athlete. Rowing was an obvious choice, the simple repetitive motions, following directions, I was not in charge and most of my mind was left to do other things. Except if my mind just wandered, I would end up gazing off into the distance or otherwise be obviously distracted and it would effect my entire boat. The balance would be off, I wouldn't realize we were on a power set, all sorts of things could go wrong. I had to stay focused, yet unengaged. More than anything though, was figure skating. I had to remember the obvious things, such as what move I was doing, the breakdown of how not to fuck up that move, and what move came next. I had to remember things like head up, smile, posture, to skate with power without speed. It was obvious when I wasn't focused, but when I was focused I would have told you I was thinking about nothing. The crowd was a distraction, that was acknowledged and let go. The judges (or coaches in practice) were a distraction, that was acknowledged and let go. I had to be aware of the other skaters on the ice, because with flying sharp blades on the ends of everyone's feet there was a lot of danger in being unaware, but I let that slide away with similar acknowledgement. I had to acknowledge those things, or they would surprise me and I would end up injured. Luckily the worst I ever got was a broken wrist.

Bringing that into my daily routine is difficult. I physically am not able to do a lot of it, not to mention time constraints. But I can still reach into that athletic past and bring out something useful. Movement. Motion.

In high school I complained I was terrible at meditating and trancing, which is odd because in many ways I did both as an athlete. I was terrible, at bringing those skills into other realms. Drumming is a good option for me. Repetition of motion, and the audio lends itself nicely to mindsets useful for all kinds of craft. Walking is a great option, even if it is just around the block once. Focusing on breathing, on the roll of one's foot, on the rhythm of step and lift, etc.

Most meditation out there focuses on a lot of the exterior aspects, and in ways that really are not helpful to fidgeters and doers. Sitting or standing. Staying still. Even the position matters. I'm not saying it doesn't matter and I'm not saying that those aren't very useful methods. But they aren't the only methods. Be it walking, Tai Chi, drumming or just chopping vegetables for dinner, there is meditation to be found in movement. So, if you're like me and can't sit still for useful meditation, remember there are other ways.